So. Men and beards. (Tackling the big issues this Friday, I know).

I’ve remained silent on this topic for a while, but finally I feel I must make my stance known: I don’t like beards.

I know. They’re a thing, right now. I get that. I really do. But perhaps I was scarred from my childhood in the early 80’s where mustaches were a thing. I still can’t see a mustache on a man without thinking ‘porn star.’ A beard just feels like an overgrown extension of that.

In the nineties, goaties were in. I’ve still kind of got a soft spot for goaties.

See?

But beards? Just no.

Some stubble, or a few days growth that looks like something resembling a beard? Yeah, OK that’s hot.

But this?

Last time I looked I wasn’t living in 1800’s colonial Australia where bush rangers were running riot.

There’s a part of me that feels that beards are trying too hard. Like you were trying to go all bad ass and mysterious but you just took it too far. Or you are bad ass and are trying to hide something, in which case, just keep walking, I’m not interested.

The romance of beards. Oh wait, there is none.

Now, my partner doesn’t have a beard, but he is the sort of man who grows stubble without really trying. He doesn’t shave for a few days and all of a sudden he’s looking unkempt. And, without going into too much information, scratchy!

So what must it be like with a beard? I get that the idea of it (to you) might be sexy, but the reality? There’s some pretty serious aftermath to be had after any romantic interlude surely? Ouch.

The statistical evidence: beards are no longer cool

No, I’m not making this up. A study by The University of New South Wales (yes, folks, a university did a study on this) shows that beards are more attractive the rarer they are but the more common facial hair is, the less attractive it becomes.

That’s right fellas, you can’t all be hipsters (and thank God for that).

Now before you guys complain that you can never win (and no, you can’t, just in case you’re wondering) we’re not being fickle. It’s a thing. A real scientific thing called “negative frequency-dependent sexual selection.” Huh. Don’t believe me? Have a read of Bad News for Bearded Men; Clean Shaven Considered More Desirable.

So, I think I’ve made my stance on beards pretty clear, but how about you? Does a man with a beard make your heart melt? Would you like to read more men with beards in romance novels? Or keep it clean shaven please?

Oh, alright. I’ll admit it. Some guys can pull off beards, but let it be known this is because these guys can pull off anything. 

For more Ryan Reynolds (with and without the beard) click here. Enjoy your weekend!